Pumpkin

It’s almost Hallowe’en, kiddies! Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a man who looked at the holiday and noted that what it made up for in paganism it lacked in patriotism. The man worked night and day, fueled by a fiendish desire to create what should not be created, to mould what asked not to be moulded, like a Big Mac, but worse. Then it was complete…

• Henry Frankenstein: “Look! It’s glowing. It’s alight. It’s alight… It’s alight, it’s glowing, it’s alight, it’s alight, it’s alight, it’s alight, IT’S ALIGHT!”
• Victor Moritz: “Henry – In the name of Betsy Ross!”
• Henry Frankenstein: “Oh, in the name of Betsy Ross! Now I know what it feels like to be Betsy Ross!”

The end. Ghoul night, friends! Muahaha etc.

Ceramic Pig

Why should only foreigners get to make easy shots at notions of American obesity and excess?

This is not a piggy bank and so deprives me of making jokes about the banking crisis. Thanks a lot, ceramic pig manufacturers.

Giant Inflatable Bald Eagle

“Gee, is that one of them Muslim bald eagles?”

Never worry about such confusion again with this Apollo Creed-inspired giant inflatable bald eagle!

Spring Pistol

BB guns aren’t American enough. Throw some flags and tattered scraps of the constitution on that sucker.

Does the second amendment cover looking like a tool with a pretend gun with MURICA grip?