Mini Patriotic Flag Figurine

Why does this rendition of Ol’ Glory (America outlawed the letter D in 1917 due to fighting against Deutschland in World War I) have…

a) Some sort of satanic symbol in the middle of the star field? It’s like something out of National Treasure 5 in which the usually hidden masonic elements on the flag direct you to the Alamo which was actually a secret spaceship to take you to the moon where the founding fathers hid EVEN MORE GOLD, originally pillaged from the Turks or the Sri Lankans or whoever.

b) The outline of a squirrel on the far right of the stripes. I’m not going to draw it, if you can’t find it, that’s your loss. There’s a squirrel and it’s pretty cool. I bet that was Ben Franklin’s doing. He loved squirrels almost as much as he loved turkeys and tying keys to things.

Patriotic Angel Figurine

Ah, the Fairy America-Mother. Flying through the continental United States (and maybe Alaska, but Hawai’i doesn’t count, does it?), spreading her American fairy dust (asbestos) everywhere and sometimes saving beautiful maidens (huge multinational corporations) from their wicked stepsisters (taxes).

Although even the Fairy America-Mother does not have unlimited power. Remember how that housing boom turned into a big ol’ pumpkin and the automotive industry reverted back into a pack of rats. Wait, that was always the case.

Hey, magic ain’t miracles. And “ain’t” isn’t a word, proving I have spent too much time in the wild looking for these things.

Cell Armor Premium Wireless Accessories

Now, observe. This isn’t a brand of American-themed cell phone covers. As unnecessary as I would find that, there would be a strand of logical thought connecting things together. That is not so. This is a heavily American-flag adored package, complete with bald eagle, for completely ordinary, bland and non-affiliated to any specific nation, mobile phone protectors.

I’m sure Donald Rumsfeld wouldn’t approve of this option. After all, you go to war with the cell armor you have, not the cell armor you might want or wish to have at a later time.

Patriotic Eagle And Flag Figurine

I’ve decided that the most fitting 100th post on this fine blog would be a bald eagle, apparently wearing an argyle sweater, in front of an American flag.

The tag claims this “will rekindle warm thoughts from long ago.” So if you ever wanted to reminisce about the time you wrapped a bird in a sweater for some reason, here you go.

America Needs a Buddhist President

America needs a Buddhist president? America needs to learn how to handle a potential presidential candidate that knows some French first before climbing the mountain (which is likely located in the Himalayas) to the first Buddhist presidency. It’s like the old Buddhist saying “If you meet the Buddha on a road, run a smear campaign if he speaks foreign-talk.”

Then again, a cadre of warrior monks would really clean things up in Iran or Wales or wherever is the most evil country ever this week.

Guitar Pens Hand Painted

Guitar Pens, lovingly hand painted by the smallest, child-sized hands American multinational corporations based in China can afford.

Oh, yes. An American flag themed peace sign is NOT A GUITAR!

Military Angel Figurine

You know sometimes someone on the internet might compared fervent nationalism to some sort of religious cult and you go “LOL good hyperbole” and get on with your life? Well, here you go. It’s an American Warrior Valkyrie Angel who protects American troops in battle because, hey, God does play favourites.

Extreme right conflation of church and state is nothing new but crap like this goes a long way to making the state the church, rather than the other way round. Both scenarios are something to be avoided. Wow, sorry, this got more political than I usually like to get.

Pro-Pinball Big Race USA

Nothing says America more succinctly and distinctly than the Man (in this case an anthropomorphic police car) hounding a man (an anthropomorphic taxi cab, which is yellow because taxi cabs always being yellow is still a thing in Stereotype Land).

Note too, the other icons of Americana; Mt. Rushmore, oddly with human heads instead of anthropomorphic horse carriages or something, flying saucers (!) and, of course, tall buildings and flags. Bravo!

Also, I think the St. Louis Arch is about to topple over. Oh dear.

USA Wall Plaque Thing

America: Where we have a bridge AND a statue. Take that, South Sudan!

There’s not much to say. It’s a flag adorned… thing that says USA, just in case you forget what all those stars and stripes are for.

It reminds me of that really old episode of The Simpsons where Bart goes to France and they get the Albanian kid and Homer laughs at the notion of the Albanian flag being a two-headed eagle on a red banner as if a beach towel with inaccurate astronomy in the corner is inherently more dignified.

Little Trees Air Freshener

Of course, I must assume that the tree depicted on this is a Real American Cedar, due to it being the most patriotic of all trees.

The official name for the… nose smell flavour or whatever, is “Vanilla Pride” which, according to my possibly biased thesaurus can be a synonym for “White Pride.” I’m onto your game, Little Trees.